I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
