I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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