called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
