the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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