I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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