He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I could make wine with my vomit
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
