That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
