not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
