the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
