Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
