The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
