i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize