I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
