Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
