My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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