I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Randomize
