Got a toothbrush?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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