while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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