The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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