i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
my liver is dry heaving
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
