not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
