you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
