It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
