just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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