once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
