Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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