see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
a search helicopter?!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
