Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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