Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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