Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
