I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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