dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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