i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
