it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
