If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
