Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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