I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just want nice things and good sex
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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