Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
