the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize