woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
