Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
