My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
