Your mouth is God's brothel.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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