we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
