remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
