I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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