So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
