Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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