New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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