Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
