im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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