I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize