i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
