On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
