Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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