She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you had me at cake vodka
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
