Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
