That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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