i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize