He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
