Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize